During the heart of our Pandemic lockdown, I had an epiphany that I had to write down and get out of my head – I am Always Alone and Never Alone.  And this needed to change.  Once I understood how the external forces of Pandemic life, AKA the “isolation,” negatively reacted with my personality type, “Introvert,” I was able to make adjustments and turn a corner.  And I’m curious to see if you’ve had similar experiences.  I don’t think I’m the only one who struggled with this, especially among my fellow mothers of youngster’s community.  In fact, though this post is written in the Pandemic timeframe, I recall the same challenges I faced after the birth of my firstborn, 4 years ago.  Looking back, hands down, the most difficult aspect of new motherhood for me was the fact that I was inextricably attached to my baby 24/7 and unable to experience the true “alone time” that my INTJ personality type so desperately craved.  This is for you, my introverted friends, and all brand-new mothers.  Let’s dive in….

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Mommy and Me Tantrums

That particular morning of the epiphany, the kids woke early, and I’m talking the 4:00 hour, resulting in Me waking early, and all of us understandably cranky. Maia, 4.25 years old, was frustrated that Ethan, 1.25 years old, was ruining her carefully laid out game on the floor.  This, of course, being the culmination of several previous sins against her.  In a pre-tantrum voice she said, “ETHAN!  I just want some alone time.”  This exclamation aroused the remaining population of the house, and I remember standing there, trying (and failing) to control my temper, while staring at the scene of humans gathered around us, which included said children, my husband, and his mother who lived with us.  Exasperated, I returned, “We ALL want alone time but we can’t have it.  This is the reality we live in right now!”  While it was a completely true statement, it was not my proudest mothering moment (of which there are many).    

“We ALL want alone time but we can’t have it.  This is the reality we live in right now!”  While it was a completely true statement, it was not my proudest mothering moment (of which there are many).

A Recipe for Disaster

Let me provide some background information so you get a sense of our lifestyle in this season, circa January 2021.  We’re approaching a year of living in an evolving state of quarantine since the dreaded #march2020.   When the news broke, I was on maternity leave, Ethan being just a few months old, I abruptly went from the challenge of caring for a newborn full time, to the new even more difficult challenge of a newborn and a preschooler.  With No school, No parks, and No activities. Maia’s school shut down and this mom, who never intended to be a stay-at-home mom, was forced into the role.  Ignorant of what was to come, we existed in that moment with some, perhaps, idiotically optimistic hope that this pandemic would end soon.  First the news encouraged us to just wait until the summer, “Things will return to normal then.” Then it was the Fall, and then the prediction lengths grew and grew, and our hope dwindled and dwindled. 

In June, I returned to work, from home which was a completely new concept for me.  For the past 15 years, I have been physically driving myself to an office for 40+ hours a week.   At the time, most childcare centers were closed, but we luckily found an in-home, 6-child preschool for Maia that was the Best Thing since sliced bread.  (or hoarded toilet paper, to put it in 2020 perspective).  But we were uncomfortable putting Ethan in childcare so we hired a nanny to come to our house part-time (under my mama bear watchful supervision).  My husband who had worked from home for 2 months returned to work at the office, and life for him since, has been relatively unchanged, aside from the mask-wearing.  That, by the way, is a subject for an entirely new post – when one spouse continues on a routine existence, while the other’s is completely up-rooted – anyone relate?!  

In fact, in many ways, quarantine life is very similar to post-birth stage for new mothers.  You completely abandon the life you lived previously, work, school, whatever, to devote yourself to your newborn.  Then at some point your partner resumes his life, and you’re “alone” with your new baby.  This is a shock to the system that no one prepares you for, hence my preaching.  Yes, there are moments of mother-baby-bonding-bliss, that make up for all of it, by the way, but when you’re in the trenches of diapers and night-feedings, the extreme life shift can be a difficult transition.  I had the misfortune to combine newborn life and pandemic life.  And then I ‘returned to work.’

I had the misfortune to combine newborn life and pandemic life.  And then I ‘returned to work.’

It turns out, working from home was Extremely difficult for me!  Don’t let these photos fool you – they were taken the first few weeks of WFH life, when I possessed all the optimism of a New Year’s resolution.  As reality sank in, I found myself struggling with internet connections, uncomfortable chairs, learning Zoom, the awkward video calls – I mean, staring at your face on your phone during a conference call is horrible, let’s just get that out there – I’m convinced Zoom is flattering to no one.  Not to mention the absence of real humans sitting next to you, and the office energy and dynamic… and lunches and coffee breaks and, well, hugs!  But perhaps the ultimate disturbance then was the challenge of sharing my workspace with my baby and the nanny.  Every time he saw me, he cried, and then I struggled, internally, with the desire to intervene, or let the nanny handle it.  As every mother knows, listening to your baby cry and not cradling him in your arms to comfort him, is a special kind of torture.  I eventually moved my carefully designed office, you see here, into my bedroom, not so aesthetically pleasing, and cleared out my nightstand to accommodate a reserve of snacks and water.  Those ‘perks’ of working from home – having your own food/kitchen available, was not even available to me. 

I spent the next several months trying to find a routine that got the work done, the kids fed, and the house reasonably tidy.  This was my only goal – survival.  Also, let me add that Ethan is a Terrible Sleeper, not sleeping through the night until he was 15 months old!  Many nights I held him all night long in a rocking chair, while he breastfed every hour. 

Then, in November, things turned from bad to worse.  The coronavirus numbers surged and California returned to lockdown.  Accompanied by the political upheaval, I just could Not Cope.  I thought, if we could just get to 2021, everything will be better.  The new president, the vaccine, Ethan will sleep, all the resolutions that come with a New Year.  Then BAM.  The insurrection on the capital and associated riots.  My work became extremely stressful with yelling contractors and demanding clients and dissatisfied bosses.  Friends of Friends were dying from Covid.  Maia’s emotional outbursts and behavioral regression.  Mark’s parents’ divorce.  Life threw us some major curveballs in January.

But after inauguration day, I felt that hope return.  After listening to those amazing speeches (Hello Amanda Gorman!) I felt I was able to dust off my shoulders off and try again. 

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Analysis of an Introvert

I needed a new approach.  Something about that morning moment with my daughter’s tantrummy appeal, and to be honest, my own tantrum, struck a nerve with me.  “I just want some Alone Time!”  As I dissected this later, I had this realization: I am an Introvert, and the way introverts re-charge is by having time ALONE.  We are at our best when we take breaks from socialization with groups of people, family included, with solitude.  Before I had my second baby, and all that was 2020, I had this figured out.  At my office, in the middle of 9-hour days filled with meetings and phone calls, I would go out to lunch, Alone, and re-fuel.  In the mornings, I would wake up early before everyone else and read and journal.  On the weekends, I would find a time during my daughter’s nap to write and work on my blog.  I’m not doing any of that now – Hello, Earth to Leila!  Of course, you’re burnt out. 

Everyone it seems, including me, had this incorrect assumption that if you’re acting like a responsible citizen, quarantining, social distancing, remaining with our own household, etc. that we’ve been “alone” all year.  The Pandemic is Great for introverts!  But that’s actually not true, unless you truly live by yourself.  “Alone time” with your family, is NOT alone time.  In actuality, I’m NEVER alone.

Everyone it seems, including me, had this incorrect assumption that if you’re acting like a responsible citizen, quarantining, social distancing, remaining with our own household, etc. that we’ve been “alone” all year.  “Alone time” with your family, is NOT alone time.

  All year, I’ve had a baby either attached to my boob, or my hip, and a little girl craving my attention along with the endless chatter of an extrovert (Lucky me – the La Fontaine reproduction is like a double negative – 2 introverts mate, and create 2 extroverts).  If I’m not working or caring for my children, I’m getting caught up on sleep, which although some may argue, I don’t believe is alone time either.  I haven’t even felt I could escape to the dentist for a teeth cleaning.  Lord help me, when that day comes.  (Since I’ve written this, the day has come…along with roughly $1,000 out of pocket fees, and 8 hours of appointments – everyone floss, for the love of God!)

This is not sustainable!  I don’t even know how I lasted this long with this schedule.  Well, I haven’t.  I’ve been a nervous wreck, forced into social hibernation so no one has noticed. 

I now realize that I desperately need to intentionally dedicate some time in my day to be truly alone, not just for my job, or to take care of my kids or my house, but to care for myself.   So, I’ve been experimenting with this for a few months and I’ve seen significant progress.  It’s not easy, sometimes it’s not cheap (babysitters!), and when we were still in a relative lock down, there weren’t many options, but it’s necessary.  This is what it has looked like:

I now realize that I desperately need to dedicate time in my day to be truly alone, not just for my job, or to take care of my kids or my house, but to care for myself. 

Quick Fixes for Intentional Solitude

• Asking my husband to watch the kids on Saturday mornings while I go for a run, and since the re-opening, I’ve expanded to include yoga classes

• I’ve actually used my lunch break to eat lunch – shocking, I know.  Once a week I would order takeout, drive myself out of the house, and bring it back to eat at a table other than the one holding my work laptop.    

• I schedule a babysitter and go out on a date with my husband.  This isn’t true alone time, but it’s time alone with my husband, which is rare these days. 

• Instead of using the kids’ weekend naptimes for housework (or nap myself), I have made a point to do something fun for myself, a beach walk, or trip to an actual store (how good it feels just to be back in a store to browse in person instead of online!)

• I extended my nanny’s hours to arrive 30 minutes earlier so I could get ready in peace, instead of showering with Ethan.

• Someday, and that day is coming soon, I look forward to time out for pedicures, and spa dates, and barre classes, and brunches with my girls, and happy hours with friends, weekend trips with my husband.  Maybe there exists a future season of life where I’ll carry my laptop to Starbucks and write, or bring my book to a high-end restaurant and sit, reading alone with a glass of wine, or maybe I’ll even go on a solo yoga retreat to frickin’ Bali. 

Today, I’ll settle for a 20 minute walk, a 15 minute stretch, a 5 minute meditation.  But it’s a step in the right direction.  Feeding my soul what it desperately seeks – time alone to refuel. 

Where are my introverts at?  Ya feel me?  Any fellow moms find creative ways to find some time for self-care?  I hope ya’ll figured this out way before me, but if there’s anyone who struggles with this, may this tale encourage you to schedule some personal time into your weekly calendar.  You deserve it, friend! 

- Virtual hugs, Leila