Learning to Smile Again – My Journey Throughout the Pandemic

I’m back, and I’ve missed you! 

Let me first apologize for my absence.  This blog post is not an excuse, but rather, an explanation for my silence. The Coronavirus Pandemic affected me deeply, as I’m sure it did you and others.  There were so many changes in my family life, and then the worldly changes on top, that forced me to hibernate for a while.

My method to cope with and adjust to all these external changes was first to Survive, and then Strive to Thrive.  I just came up with that and it may be a cheezy line but but I like it, and it’s true.   Both of these life stages forced me to step away from social media, blogging, and to be honest, many of my friends, and laser focus on my family and myself.  But, that’s all about to change. Borrowing the lyrics from Katy Perry:

“Yeah I’m thankful, scratch that, baby I’m grateful. Gotta say it’s really been a while, but now I got back that Smile. “

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I’ve really missed my activity here and on Instagram, with my community, and I’m happy to announce that I’m ready to return, maybe not to the extent I’ve shared in the past, but hopefully in regular intervals, in a more intentional and authentic way. 

I’m going to expand on this a little more.  But before I do, a quick disclaimer: I’m about to share my story, as it relates to my life.  I’m not intending to ‘one-up’ anyone.  I am intensely aware that my story, compared with others’ story is mild, to say the least.  There are horrors some people have endured through this Pandemic that I can’t even imagine.  But my struggles, or accomplishments for that matter, are real and worthy of documentation, as are yours. 

“My method to cope with and adjust to all these external changes was first to Survive, and then Strive to Thrive.”

Survive

This might sound overly dramatic but at several times throughout last year I actually literally and figuratively tried to survive.  Well, literally only once.  In late October 2019, I gave birth to my second son, Ethan, a month early, which was an extremely traumatic experience in which we both almost died.  (Hook – I’ll be sharing that story in an upcoming post).  And up until the early part of 2020, I was struggling with the tangible aftermath of a preemie NICU newborn – a 4-pound-barely-alive human that had to be fed through a tube.  But the intangible effects lingered much longer – an overly emotional guilt-ridden post-partum woman.

“Up until the early part of 2020, I was struggling with the tangible aftermath of a preemie NICU newborn – a 4-pound-barely-alive human that had to be fed through a tube.  But the intangible effects lingered much longer”

I like to say my ‘quarantine’ really started 5 months before the infamous #march2020 , so I’ve actually been mostly isolated for a year and a half.  All mothers are forced into a survival mode the first few months after birth, this is not extraordinary.  But tack this experience on to the rest of 2020, it resulted in the straw that broke this camel’s back.  With the March stay at home order, came the complete disruption of our life, which was already unstable, adjusting to the newness that comes with a second child.  My 3-year-old daughter’s preschool closed, and I found myself caring for both children, confined within the walls of my house, struggling to keep them quiet, while my husband, who was also forced to give up his office, worked from home.  This may be a breeze for some mothers, but not me.  I never signed up to be a SAHM (stay at home mom).  I allocated for 6 months of maternity leave to care for and bond with my children (one at a time), and heal from the birth, before I entered the workforce again.  This plan was brutally cut short by the Pandemic.  It was a Heavy Straw.  March, Aril and May were 3 very challenging months.  And then without any transition, I returned to work.  From home.  We, fortunately, were able to enroll Maia in a small in-home preschool run by a close friend, but we were not ready to entrust our fragile preemie to anyone.  So, what should have been an in-person homecoming to the office with hugs and bagels was replaced with chat messages and phone call delegation of duties while I bounced a fussy baby on my knee.  I made the attempt to work while caring for Ethan with occasional help from my mother-in-law for a few months.  Several breakdowns later, we hired a part time nanny.  And this is where we’ve been since the summer.  Trying to figure out the new normal.  Get work done, care for, feed, entertain our kids, keep the house reasonably clean, in relative isolation.  There was very little time left over for writing, dates, extra sleep, etc. 

Good news though, that’s where my sob story ends.

“With the March stay at home order, came the complete disruption of our life, which was already unstable, adjusting to the newness that comes with a second child.”

Strive to Thrive

A month ago, I entered the Strive to Thrive stage of my life.  I’m not exactly thriving yet, but I think I’m on my way there.  4 things happened in early 2021 that really helped turn things around:

1. My son began sleeping through the night – at 15 months, people!!  And I’m only talking 7:30-5:00 here, but continuous uninterrupted sleep is glorious. 

2.My parents came for a month to visit and were such a big help with childcare, cooking, and emotional support – Thank You mom and dad! 

3.Ethan started daycare, which means both kids are now out of the house for regular intervals.  Maia in her same full time in-home pre-school, and Ethan part time at a separate in-home daycare.  These hours of true alone time, used for work and creative projects and self-care have been such a game-changer.

4. I got my Covid Vaccine! Thank the Lord (and all the scientists, healthcare workers, and Biden administration) We’re still pretty cautious, but the anxiety of receiving or transmitting this virus has lessened.

With this extra time and peace of mind, I found my energy, creativity, and patience slowly trickle back.  I was able to pull out my yoga mat after the kids went to bed and renew my practice.  I returned to my morning routine with devotions and journaling.  And I eventually overcame the writers’ block that I’d been battling and wrote this and other posts.  Hallelujah! 

So, I’ve got a lot to share now, after being silent for so long!  Did you notice the blog and Instagram name change, ha?  We’ll tackle that in a few weeks.  And I’ll follow up with some other, more tactical and helpful articles of how I got my groove back and tips for anyone else who may be experiencing similar slumps.  I touched on the idea of ‘Strive to Thrive’ here, but I’ll be expanding on that soon too.  I know I’ve been the worst blogger ever, coming and going, but I truly thank you for your patience, and I hope you continue to follow me for the next phase of this online journey. 

“These hours of true alone time, used for work and creative projects and self-care have been such a game-changer. With this extra time, I found my energy, creativity, and patience slowly trickle back”

And, for those of you visiting for the first time, let me add that this is not a representation of my typical work.  I like to think that my writing is usually funnier, my stories little more light-hearted, and my take-aways more practical and useful, but this is a one-off post, and to me, necessary to release before I dive into those again.   

Thank you all!

– With Love, Leila

PS Have you related to any of this?  If so, I’d love to hear it in a comment below.  Or do you know a mother who may be experience any of these struggles?  Please forward this link to her. 

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