Forward – September 2022
Hello Friends! This month’s theme is Self-Discipline, and I’ve got to be honest – I’m really looking forward to it, even though that sounds strange. It’s the beginning of Fall, the kids are going back to school (Thank GOD!). Time to settle into a routine after the chaos of summer. I’ve always loved this time of the year. Growing up, the start of a school season always evoked new beginnings, resolutions, and excitement. I think I lost that for a while in between college graduation and having kids where you don’t have a school year to anchor you. So now that I have school age kids, it’s been fun to experience this again through them.
As I was preparing for this month’s content, I was reviewing past writing drafts and I came across a post I wrote in the middle of the Pandemic that I never published. And 18 months later, the takeaway is still fitting and powerful – How to find the Self-Discipline or Willpower to get started to accomplish your goal.
I thought about re-writing this post to make it more relevant to 2022, and my current life stage of yoga teaching and school age children, but I think it would have lost some of the raw emotion, so I chose to leave it unedited.
So, I invite you to a dark time in my life, but a hopeful time, a time of resolution and determination. Take a brief moment to pause, think of something in your life you want to change, but maybe you’re struggling with. And read on to find some ‘tell-it-like-it-is’ encouragement to enhance your Personal Discipline.
Disclaimer – this post is not for the faint of heart!
Put on your Big Girl Pants – February 2021
“I guess I had to, go the That Place, to get to This One.”
Eminem, “Not Afraid”
There comes a point in every woman’s life where she must decide to put on her big girl pants and move forward. To some, this decision may come speedily, or at least without a fight, and to others, it may be a long, drawn-out struggle.
Unfortunately, specifically in my attitude towards this past year, I fall into the category of the latter. But recently, I have come to a turning point: I’m finally donning my new pants – a recently purchased pair of high waisted blue jeans to be precise.
These jeans are a tangible representation of my Big Girl Pants, which I now require, literally and figuratively.
Today I’m going to share how I made this transition, and if anyone is in need of a supporting hand to help you through a similar situation, may this be it. (a safe, quarantined, version of the comfort of physical touch). For others who got the hang of this, feel free to just read and pat yourself on the back – maybe you figured this out way before I did. Everyone’s journey is different.
Literal Pants
We’ll start with the literal version – 16 months ago, I had my second child. And presently, I still do not fit into my pre-mom jeans and had to buy new ones. (and don’t get me started on my bras! I need new bras too, but unfortunately, not the bigger kind). With my first child, a relatively easy pregnancy and birth, my body bounced back – I shed my pregnancy weight, and after a year of breastfeeding, my breasts went back to their original size. I looked forward to another baby with similar expectations. Nope. Conceiving my second baby took longer, the pregnancy was more difficult, the birth was emergency and traumatic, breastfeeding was a nightmare (for both of us). If you’re interested in hearing more about that journey, read on here. My body never ‘recovered.’ I write that with quotations because this seems to be what the world expects of mothers – that we bear children and we ‘bounce back’ to the same woman. We are Not!
Childbirth is a divine, wonderful transformation, whether easy or difficult and we should not be expected to return to the woman we once were.
We are made new – physically and emotionally.
It is in this light, that, after a long period of reflection, I refuse to look upon my new body and these new jeans with sadness or regret. This stomach grew and nourished 2 wonderful humans and now bears an enlarged curvature that will probably stay. That’s okay. May I look upon this shape as a reminder of the precious gift of motherhood. Thank you to the Ultimate Creator.
Figurative Pants
This is a true story, and the jeans are a nice, coincidental metaphor, but the real reason for this post is not to discuss my body.
Have you ever had an experience that left you upset? Yes, of course you have. You’re reading, which means you’re old enough to have lived through 2020. Congratulations. How did you move on? Have you moved on? Did you have to make a difficult choice to do so? To find your resolution or personal discipline, did you wade through the waters or step right out? I bet you’ve had both types of experiences. Recollect the specific conflict that required the wading, the struggle. Are you going through that one now?
I sure am. But I’ve almost made my peace.
The quicksand that seemed to drag me down has lost its grip.
And I think what catapulted me above the surface, was the realization that I was the only one who could pull myself out. I couldn’t wait for some metaphoric prince to rescue me. Or some worldly circumstance to change. To borrow words from my daughter, “I can do it all by myself!”
I’ve read a bunch of personal growth books in the past few years (Btw, I like the term ‘personal growth’ instead of “self- help” – it makes me sound less broken, more forward thinking). And lately I’ve realized that many of these books (podcasts, blogs, whatever) they can ‘baby you.’ They comfort you with words like … “You’re okay,” “You’re right where you need to be”, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a time and place for that kind of advice, and maybe that’s what I needed during that season. If you’re in that place, maybe jump to this post here instead. But I don’t want to be just comforted anymore, I long for an answer, a solution, a frickn’ resolution. Today, I require the books or the friends or advice that tell it you straight, those slap in the face moments, the shaking of the shoulders – Wake Up! Discipline yourself! Stop moping, put on your big girl pants and do something about it. You probably know what it is you have to do, or not do, you’re just procrastinating or finding excuses. Yup. Pause for the reality check. That was me.
“The traumatic childbirth and the fatigue of caring for 2 young children, while working, in an incredibly difficult, scary, and lonely year through this Pandemic almost destroyed my creativity and confidence in my ability to write”
(And yes, if you’re thinking that it’s rather narcistic to be whining about your creativity while people are dying, I agree with you. But I’m only human). I was at the point of shutting the blog down, and “sticking with my day job.” But, I kept hearing the advice from a few friends, and occasionally my inner voice, repeating, “Just Wait.” I assumed I was waiting for the End of the Pandemic, the Return to Normal Life (and full time childcare!), or just waiting for my baby to finally sleep through the night. Then I will be able to write. After this, After that. But actually, I was just waiting for this advice to sink in. Stop waiting and Do. Lift yourself up by your own tail, like the Lorax, and fly. Or just put one foot in front of the other and Begin.
Maybe you were surprised by my Eminem quote at the beginning of this post. It’s a lyric from his song, “Not Afraid.” To be honest, I added this song to my playlist that was on repeat in my headphones during the Pandemic. Maybe you’re thinking, “What Christian woman, Yoga Teacher and role model listens to explicit music!?” I got news for you, I’m a big Ludacris fan too, and I believe you can find inspiration anywhere. If you re-listen to Eminem’s song, and if you can get past the vulgarity of the lyrics, you can actually find a lot of good stuff there! I may not resemble Mr. Slim Shady, with his “demons” of drugs and alcohol. I’m a middle-class woman raised by respectable parents. I have a healthy family and a good job – and now I’m painfully aware of my white privilege, thank you 2020.
But this is My Demon, and I should battle it with no less vigor.
What’s your demon? What are you struggling with? Large or small, it matters. For me, I just needed to stop making excuses. I needed to practice Self-Discipline, and force myself to sit down with my laptop after my kids go to bed. It seems simple when you put it like that, but every writer knows there are days it’s when it’s not that simple. For others, maybe it’s waking up early to go for a run or do some sit-ups instead of mourning the closure of your gym. It could be spending that extra time at night to meal prep instead of hitting up the drive throughs at lunch during the week. Forgoing the Netflix binge at night to tackle that project that’s been in the back of your mind. Or maybe it’s just picking up the phone to call a friend to talk, or even say I’m sorry. Forgiveness does wonders, even if it’s not reciprocated.
Lastly, what is Discipline, anyway? I like this definition I heard on a podcast by a prodigy high school football player, that I unfortunately cannot recall,
“Discipline is Doing, when you don’t feel like it.”
Simple, and straight to the point. No need to make excuses. You don’t feel like it? Do it anyway and stop complaining. Boom.
If you’re struggling with something, like I was, and could use a little of that ‘tell it how it is’ kind of motivation here it is: You’re a Big Girl. Put on your Pants. Whether you need new jeans – go buy them (hey, quarantine fifteen is real) or just dust off your old ones, (how many pairs do you have sitting in the closet while you work from home?) Get them out, put them on. Begin. You got this, friend.
Afterward – September 2022
Well, there it is! 2020 Leila was a little rough-around-the-edges, yeah? Well, 2022 Leila may exhibit more verbal control and use more soothing language, but she’s still got the jeans, and the can-do attitude. I’m taking my own advice this month and buckling down. I’ve since overcome my writer’s block, but I’m currently struggling with the new school year routine. Waking up early and getting dressed and fed kids out the door to two different schools and myself to my day job on time. And in the 100-degree heat, Ugh. I’m trying to complete a 40-hour day job in 30, while shuttling Maia to her after school activities. I’m aiming to prep healthy meals and spinach smoothies, and get back into running and weights. And of course, preparing a great yoga routine and message for my yoga students and blog readers. (And even more ambitious, accomplishing this all without my 5:00 wine – which may be the hardest part! At least, “kindness” was the theme for last month, not this one.)
So, wish me luck, as I wish you luck. Let’s rediscover our Self-Discipline together. Here’s one last piece of pumped-up encouragement for you. Play the (edited) song in your car, turn the volume way up, and sing along.
“No more beef flingers, no more drama.
From now on, I promise to focus only on
Handling my responsibility as a Father.
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters
And Raise It!
You couldn’t lift a single shingle on it
Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to
Go to the club or the corner pub
And lift the whole counter up
Cause I’m raising the Bar!
I shoot for the moon, but I’m too busy gazing at stars.
I feel amazed and I’m Not Afraid to take a stand.
Everybody come take my hand.
We’ll walk this road together
Through the Storm.
Whatever weather, cold or warm.
Just let you know that, you’re Not Alone.
Holla if you feel that you’ve been
Down the same Road.”
-Eminem, “Not Afraid”
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